Its been a year Mam. A whole year since I saw your face. A whole year since you sat across the table from me and chatted as I wrote my last post. A whole year since I saw you warm yourself at the fire. A whole year since I heard the back door open and saw you come walking through. A whole year since I heard your voice and your laugh. And I'll never ever hear them again because its been a whole year since my Mammy took her last breath. On the 26th of January 2014 at 20.15 my Mammy's heart beat for the last time and she left this world, I wonder did she even know she was dying.
Its been a whole year since my world completely shattered in front of my eyes, since I saw my wee Mammy fade away and leave us and there was nothing me or anyone else could do about it. It felt so unreal, like the worst kind of nightmare and I kept hoping Mammy was going to waken me up and life would be as it was. But life was never going to be the same, my Mammy's life was stolen from her and she was cut from our lives like a beautiful rose in full bloom. It was never meant to be like that.
My whole life was ripped to shreds that day. My Mammy was by best friend, she was my hero, she still is my strength and inspiration and I am proud to be her daughter and I will always be so proud and honoured to call her my Mam. I never told her enough how much I appreciated everything she ever did for me. My Mam was so selfless and so full of love, I looked up to her, deep down I always wanted to be just like her. In so many ways my Mammy was the love of my life, I was a real Mammy's girl, I still am. She was one in a million and I miss her so, so much. Losing her left a giant hole in all of our lives and she took a huge part of me with her. My life feels so empty without her and the heartbreak is a real gut wrenching pain that just gets worse. It tears me up inside just how unfair it was on her, my Mammy was only 56 and had so much of her life to live, loads of things we talked about doing and places we talked about going that she will never get to do.
Mammy wasn't sick, it was a sunday and she had been up all night with a tummy bug, the doctor on call was going to take 5 hours to see her so we called the ambulance because she was really sick. Naturally we thought she'd be fine when they got fluids and antibiotics into her in the hospital. I can't even begin to describe what we went through in the hospital that day, what my Mammy went through, as she slipped into a coma and we were told she only had minutes left. We got to spend 2 minutes with her when we got her out of the ambulance, I remember fixing her hair and telling her I'd see her in a bit. We had no idea at that stage what was going to happen, I don't think Mam did either. That was the last time we saw her concious and there was so much more I wish we said. My Mammy was on her own most of that day, with doctors and nurses working to save her life, but they were strangers and I hate that she went through it all alone, that none of us were there to hold her hand and comfort her.
I understand how Lee McQueen felt after his Mammy died, I understand how he felt that he couldn't go on, the want to be in the same place as her just to know that she is okay. I wish I could know how my Mam is, I wish I could know what she was thinking those last few hours, what was going through her head, could she hear what we were saying to her, could she feel us holding her hand, how much pain was she in? I'll never know and hoping just doesn't cut it.
So many images come to my mind when I think of my Mam. Childhood memories of all the little things we did together, memories that I treasure and I wonder why I never talked to her about them when she was here, I suppose its because we both thought we'd have so many more years together, maybe we would have spoke about them if I ever had a daughter. I idolised her then, I idolise her now, I always did. I miss talking to her. We talked about everything, sometimes we'd fight, sometimes we'd laugh but it was always alright because she was my Mammy and I was her 'Dots' as she called me. I loved our days away together, our shopping trips. She had the best eye, she was much better at shopping than me and much more thoughtful. There wasn't a week went by that mam didn't buy something for me a bottle of shampoo she thought I'd like, a fur coat she saw in the charity shop window. I wish I had spoiled her more, she definitely deserved it.
My Mam was always so graceful. Her clothes were so thoughtfully put together, she was every inch the lady and she didn't realise it herself. She was beautiful and she didn't know it. She was so camera shy and now I wish I had encouraged her more to get into photos, maybe one day she could have seen what we saw. I miss her hands, she had the most beautiful, elegant hands and nails. And her handwriting, I always loved her handwriting, I never told her that either.
I hate to think of her alone and I hope she isn't lonely. My Mammy deserved so much more joy out of this life, she gave us so much joy but she was taken before I got a chance to give her some back. I never got to repay her properly for all that she done for us, for all she done for me and all the love she gave. It is so unfair. She saw me take my first breath and I watched her take her last but it never should have been this soon.
We got so much support from our family and friends after Mam passed away. We really can't thank them enough for all they done for us. The whole community came together to say goodbye to Mam. The streets of the town were lined with people paying their respects as we made our way to the chapel for Mams funeral. The chapel was absolutely over flowing. I will never forget it and I wish that she was there to see how much she meant to so many people. She was truly loved.
I haven't written much since my Mam died. I've sat down to try write something so many times but I couldn't. Mam was always here when I was writing, she was such a big part of my blog and it kills me to do it now without her. Mam loved that I was doing something that I loved. She was so proud of me, sometimes I wonder why, but then I was always proud of her just for being her. I knew from that night that whenever I could find the will to write on here again it would have to be about my Mam. I knew I had to tell you all how amazing she was and how proud and honored I am to call her my Mam, all I can do now is talk about her and she deserves to be celebrated. The last thing I wrote with my Mam beside me was her eulogy so I thought I'd share it with you all.
Mammy was an angel on earth and now shes an angel in heaven. For such a little dainty lady she left a huge impression on the lives of all those around her. Her patience always astounded me, when it came to helping people out nothing was ever too much trouble, she had such a natural kindness.
All of the lovely comments and compliments we received about Mammy were a testament to the truly beautiful person she was. She was a true lady, always a smile and a kind word, so thoughtful and helpful and kind. The kind of woman you would love to meet because you would always leave her with a smile.
Mammy was gentle and kind and loving and always went above and beyond to take care of those she loved. She was an amazing Mammy, the best in the world and we can't thank her enough for the life she gave us. The light of her life was her grandson Calum, being a Granny gave her a higher purpose, she idolised her darling wee man.
Mammy taught me the kind of person I want to be. She was our support, our strength and our comfort.I know she is as sad as we are and its for her that my heart is breaking. we had so many special memories but so many left unmade. She was denied so much by being taken so soon. There is not a single second that will go by that we won't think of her and miss her and have something we want to share with her.
I hope Mammy has passed on her strength and love that will give us the ability to make her proud. I hope she can live on through us and enjoy all she missed by standing by our sides when we fulfill all her wishes and dreams.
Mammy you got your wings too soon. Goodbye is not forever, goodbye is not the end. It simple means I miss you until we meet again.
If tomorro starts with out me and I'm not here to see,
If the sun should rise you find your eyes all filled with tears for me,
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things we didn't get to say,
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me
I know you'll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.
He said my place was ready in Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind the ones I truly love.
But as I turned and walked awat a tear fell from my eye
For all my life I'd always though I didn't want to die,
I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible
That I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday just even for a while,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realised that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
When I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.
So when tomorrow starts without me don't think we're far apart,
For everytime you think of me I'm right here in your heart.
Thank you Mammy. I love you.
